This year’s Super Bowl is going to be a little different. The majority of us can’t safely gather in groups, or watch the game at a bar or restaurant — but that doesn’t need to bring us down. With a little creativity and planning, we can recreate the experience of watching the game live at the stadium from the comfort of your own home.
The entire idea of my Super Bowl viewing proposal hinges on one core concept: That watching the game from home is so much better than seeing it in person. In order to make you enjoy being at home for the game, we’re going to turn your house into a stadium-like atmosphere so you appreciate being stuck on your couch that much more.
Step one: Viewing
You’re going to want to ruin your enjoyment as much as possible in order to feel like you’re there. First, you’ll want to triple your distance from the TV so you need to squint to feel like you see what’s happening.
This might seem daunting at first, but some creative room organizing can breathe some life back into your space too. From there all you need is to construct a small robot that will stand up at random intervals and obscure your view. It will be exactly like buying a nosebleed ticket for the game.
Step two: Refreshments
The biggest selling point to watching at home has always been that you don’t need to pay exorbitant stadium prices for concessions. But, what if you did?
Everyone in your house takes turns serving drinks, pouring $2 beers into 20 oz cups and charging you $12 for it. Sounds bad, sure … but keep a large vessel to collect the money in. In six months when we can start going places again, your vacation fund will be taken care of — all on the back of the expensive-ass beer you drank during the Super Bowl.
Think of it as an investment in yourself.
Don’t stop there. Do it with food too. A humble hot dog and fries costs so little at home, but when you get hit with a $9 price tag you can be momentarily furious. Also a great way not too eat too much during the Super Bowl, which is great when you get to take that trip to Hawaii because of your slush fund.
Step three: Bathroom inconvenience
Map out the game with the people you plan to watch with in your bubble — and organize bathroom times in 15 minute increments. The idea is that EVERYONE needs to pee at the same time. You want everyone to be stuck, busting to go, but having to wait in a long line where they argue with each other over who has to go more.
Then you take it a step further.
Encourage everyone to make the bathroom a judgement free zone to filth up beyond recognition. By the end of the game you want the sole communal bathroom so disgusting and fetid you have to hold your nose to enter. Just like a stadium bathroom.
At the end everyone pitches together and cleans it up, because it’s a bonding experience.
All this sounds terrible
It is! Now, imagine having to pay thousands of dollars to endure all this. The idea isn’t to make your 2021 Super Bowl as good as past years, it’s to make it so atrocious that you appreciate the creature comforts we do have, even being locked inside.
If nothing else it’ll be memorable.